we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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