she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
foreskin is a definite game changer
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
