I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
