the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Couch. On fire.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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