I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
