Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
