I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
