just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
