I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
