I got chris browned last night
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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