At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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