Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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