i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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