I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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