i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
