my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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