tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
