Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
