Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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