It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
