Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
