Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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