I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He felt like a one man threesome
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
