I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
