Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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