I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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