I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
