I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
