It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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