dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
