I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
