I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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