grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
