My Higher Power is John Stamos
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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