dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
