You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
