If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
40s are totally the cure
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
