The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
