when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
only if we run a train.
done.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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