Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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