If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
