Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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