Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize