I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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