Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
