its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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