Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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