I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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