im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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