The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
