I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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