so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
