VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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